Pica -

n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic chuckle, a nod of mutual respect, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random and unexceptional but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

(Source: dictionaryofobscuresorrows)

why can’t i be more feminine? saying that makes me feel like a dyke.. which i hope i am far from.

i walk back stage and he’s standing with a friend, and the first thing i say to him is “hey guys! lookin good!” haha who says that??? would a girl like rachel block, miss gorgeous dancer, walk back there and say something like that? no. she’d play it cool and wait for him to say hey first. which i triedddd to do, i really did. i could feel his eyes when i walked back there. its only because he knows i think he’s sexy too.. so embar.

why do i even give myself false hope. 

i reblogged the quote thing about not having much to offer. LOL

partly because i saw one of my friends that doesnt have a boyfriend reblog it…. ashamed.

I catch myself wanting to reblog all these things on my real tumblr account.. and I always tell myself some excuse of why I cant reblog it.. mainly because I dont want my friends who do follow me to see it and question it.. 

for instance, a minute ago, I wanted to reblog this quote. why? because idk.. i feel like it describes me. I cant offer much. i’m not that pretty, i’m not skinny, i’m.. inexperienced.., i’m insecure… i could go on and on. but i could offer a hand to hold, a big hug, reassurance, someone to be there for you.. but i couldnt reblog it because i feel like my friends would just be like “..who is she posting that towards..? she doesnt have a boyfriend..?” maybe its just my insecurity talking but i know i do that to their blogs.. i’ll read something and question if its referring to a certain someone. 

another example is that i wanted to reblog this depressing picture. But i wouldnt even dare too. I dont want people to know I throw myself pity parties in my head occasionally all the fucking time. but the picture is what i think to myself on the reg. i don’t want to die. i’m not ready for it. there’s SOOO much that i want to do before i die, but being the pessimistic pussy I am, it’ll never happen. « lol at pessimism. When i’m driving, i sometimes wish a car would just hit me. But hard enough to kill me.. the thing that scares me the most about that is if I lived and was handicapped for the rest of my life.. or paralyzed.. 

That’s another complicated thing about me, I daydream about my death a lot. A LOT. i mean, i know most everyone does. But if people knew how much i thought about my death, they’d send me to a psych ward. in my every day activities, I’ll think about what could go ‘wrong’ that would kill me right then. its fucking insane, i’ll admit. but i also fantasize about who would show up to my funeral. like i’ll meet someone, like a new acquaintance, and i’ll think to myself ‘would you come to my funeral if i were to die tomorrow?’ 

If you asked me why I think these things, I’d simply tell you “Its complicated”